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Confidence Chronicles

This summer I did something I never thought was possible. It might not be a big deal for a lot of people, but to me it was monumental. It was foundation-shaking. Life altering.

I wore a bikini. In public. More than once. And guess what? I didn't die.

There have been so many revelations from this experience, I feel like I'm getting to know myself in a brand new way. I don't know who needs to hear this, but I'm feeling compelled to share, so here goes.

I was an overweight teenager and then a very overweight young adult. Not only was "body positivity" a concept many years away from reaching my awareness, I would've been way too self-conscious and embarrassed to have so much of my body on display regardless. For many years, I wouldn't even wear shorts despite the blazing California summer temps, so bathing suits, let alone a two-piece, were totally out of the question.

When I was around 23-24, I lost over 90 pounds and completely changed my relationship with food and exercise. But I never felt "thin" and I never found my body attractive or appealing. It was simply less gross than it used to be.

In the 20 years since I started this health journey, I've gained and lost up to 40ish pounds a handful of times and that too has contributed to my negative feelings about my body. I can never trust it to not be fat. The fat is always lurking, ready to spring back on and weigh me down, both in the literal and figurative senses.

I find it very hard to trust what my body looks like in mirrors. In photos, I can see if I'm in a lighter or heavier phase, but in the mirror, I think I always look large, to put it kindly. (*There's a term for this: body dysmorphia. See below for a definition.) I'm incredibly preoccupied by other women's bodies, constantly in a state of comparison and not measuring up. I'm fixated on certain parts of my body that are deeply, deeply unacceptable and bothersome to me. Despite the facts of my weight loss (based on the scale), the size of my actual body (based on clothing that fits or doesn't), and my general state of excellent health (based on my bloodwork and, less objectively, on my feelings of strength, vitality, and the ability to physically do things I enjoy), I've never been able to enjoy or appreciate this body, never been able to see it as deserving of my love or praise.

And I have felt like the world's biggest fraud in my professional life, preaching to all and sundry that all bodies are acceptable, all deserve love and care, that we can desire to change for health or vanity or both AND still love ourselves where we're at. Shouting this message from the rooftops while unable to practice it myself had me feeling crazy, fraudulent, disingenuous, and depressed that I wasn't good/strong/capable/fill in the blank enough to walk my own talk.

I'd finally had enough of myself and the ceaseless negative chatter in my head so I found a therapist who specializes in eating disorders early in 2023. While I didn't believe I had an actual eating disorder, I felt it was very safe to say that I suffered from disordered eating (a seemingly minor but truly important distinction) and had an unhealthy negative fixation on my body and my weight that I wanted to be free of. It was taking over my every waking thought and I was so, so unhappy.

I remember about 4 or 5 months into seeing this therapist once a week, thinking that nothing was happening, nothing was changing, I was still the same (too high) weight and still just as fixated. She cautioned me that change takes time and it's not always obvious at first (blah blah blah, eye roll, I want my instant fix!!!). A few months after that, she asked me how I think I would have responded to a particular situation a few months prior, compared to how I did react in real time. (I'm not being evasive here; I can't remember the details of whatever situation, but trust that it's not the important part of this story.) And I realized, holy shit, the me of a few months ago would've behaved COMPLETELY differently!!! I could see it clear as day at that moment in her office, but the changes in my brain had been creeping along so slowly that I didn't even realize how different I was becoming when I started acting on my NEW thoughts instead of my old ones.

I've been working on this with my therapist for over two and a half YEARS and she was right (duh). Change is freaking slow. But it happens when we put in the effort. I couldn't just show up and sit in the chair each week and expect magic to happen. I had to practice saying and thinking things I didn't believe (yet). I read books and journaled (a bit) and forgave myself for not journaling (because I plain and simple didn't wanna). I was nice(ish) to me. I tried to meet me where I was at any given moment.

And when I booked my Hawaiian vacation this summer, I decided I was gonna wear a bikini.

I was terrified. I spent, no joke, over an hour in a Target dressing room, and then untold hours at home in front of my own mirror. I had to do this when Max wasn't around. Despite our outstanding relationship, I felt too fragile and uncertain to share this specific bikini-centered mental roller coaster with him. I didn't even tell him I was planning on unveiling my midriff to the unsuspecting Hawaiian beachgoers until we were getting dressed for the beach THAT MORNING. (True to form, he was supportive and also could not see what the big deal was. But I'll take support and cheerleading all day.) He told me, absolutely accurately, that there would be bodies both bigger and smaller than mine at the beach and no one would give any shits what anyone else was wearing. I can't remember now if it was him or my therapist or both who said, "anyone who's paying more attention to what people are wearing than the stunning ocean views has some issues of their own," but it resonated deeply once I was actually on the beach.

I had to psych myself out to remove my coverup once we got settled. I took a deep breath and used the Mel Robbins tactic - 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO. What I'll remember until my dying day about the moment I took my shirt off is the feeling of the breeze across my torso. I'm tearing up just writing about it. It's so visceral. This part of my body that had been my enemy for so long was suddenly allowed, and even welcome, to exist, to take space, to be seen.

And it was magical.

And it was boring.

To me, part of the magic was in its very mundanity. I'd built it up to be this huge event, and it was nothing but warm sun and a cool breeze over a naked abdomen. Bodies on a beach - what could be more basic?

A week in Hawaii wasn't enough to eliminate all the many years of stigma I'd placed on myself, but it was a start. Now I had proof that I wouldn't keel over dead from personal shame, and a beach full of people wouldn't all point and stare, ridicule and mock me, for daring to show a wiggly belly in public. (The fact that many tummies more wiggly than my own have been bared on beaches the world over does not factor into my fears of my OWN abdomen being out and about for public consumption. This is not a logical process in the slightest.)

Daring to be brave in another state among total strangers (and my loving spouse) was one thing. But what about at home? There was a whole summer still in front of me. What would my friends and acquaintances think about my stomach, my audacity to bare my imperfect middle? And would I survive it? Whatever I imagined their thoughts or judgements to be has no reflection on their goodness as humans and loving friends. This is a brain sickness that distorts reality and makes a person pathologically self-focused and over-important. I had to practice telling myself that almost no one feels "perfect" in a bathing suit. I had to practice believing that I cared more about having fun and being with my community than whatever they may or may not think of my body. (I didn't believe this at first, but I WANTED to, and practicing it made it [mostly] so.)

I've been at two other swimsuit events this summer and it's getting easier every time. It's not without some anxiety and discomfort at first, but it wears off so much faster than I would've believed a year ago. And while I can't say that I'm cured of my comparison fixation, I'm able to recognize those thoughts as just thoughts now. They've been defanged because the self-judgement is slowly disappearing. I'm finding the ability to look at other bodies and appreciate them instead of drowning in loathing, envy, and self-consciousness. I'm discovering the truth in liking myself as-is and beginning to believe that my body, in any state or any weight, is deserving of my tenderness.

I couldn't have seen this coming when I started therapy over two years ago. I wouldn't have believed it was possible. But standing here on this side of doing the work, I'm so effing proud of myself. I'm proud of today's me who is brave enough to suffer through a little anxiety and discomfort in order to trust that her community loves her no matter what the scale says or how much cellulite she has or however many rolls her stomach shows when she sits down, and perhaps even more difficult, in order to prove that it's safe for her to love herself.

And I'm unbelievably proud of the me in January 2023 who was tired of hating herself, tired of feeling fraudulent, tired of the relentless (again, literal and figurative) navel-gazing, and decided to get help. That was an act of self-love so profound she couldn't see it as such until the moment of this writing. (Still speaking in the third person, she finds herself in tears at this revelation, this retroactive proof of her own self-compassion.)

I hope that this writing can help someone who needs to be kinder to themselves. It's been on my mind to write about since my vacation in May, but for whatever reason, now was the time to get it out and I'm trusting in the wisdom of the universe's timing. Feel free to forward this to someone who might need it. And if you want to write back, I read every response so please know that you'll be seen here.

If you or someone you know could use help working through food/exercise/health/weight issues, I have space to help 3 one-on-one clients. I love coming at the practical aspects of weight loss/body change/health improvement combined with the mental/emotional/occasionally woo-woo aspects that go hand-in-hand. I know better than most that we can't work on one without the other and that's what sets me apart from many other health pros out there. You can book a free call HERE so we can explore together and see if we're a good match.

*Body dysmorphia is a mental health condition characterized by an excessive preoccupation with perceived flaws in one's physical appearance. Individuals with body dysmorphia may:

• Believe they have significant defects or flaws that are not noticeable to others.
• Focus intensely on specific body parts or features.
• Engage in repetitive behaviors aimed at improving their appearance, such as checking mirrors, grooming excessively, or seeking reassurance from others.
• Experience significant distress and impairment in their daily lives due to their preoccupation with their appearance.

Body dysmorphia is a common condition that can affect people of all ages, genders, and backgrounds. It is important to note that body dysmorphia is different from body image dissatisfaction, which is a more general feeling of discomfort with one's body.

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Hero Headlines...

I know that was a long story (and thanks for joining me on the ride) so I'll keep the rest of this short but I've got some stuff I want to invite you to!

Come hike with me on a gorgeous trail starting at Bogus Basin! Details are below. While the hike isn't challenging from a technical perspective, it is about 4 miles and took me and a friend around 2 hours at a leisurely but consistent pace. Unless they're going in a backpack, I wouldn't recommend it for kids. A couple of my Arbonne teammates and I will have samples of some of our favorite nutrition products to help fuel us along the way! Please RSVP if you can make it.

Next up, my Arbonne team is in HUGE momentum right now and we're bringing on all kinds of friends whose motivations range from earning extra money for vacations or self-care to saving for kids' college funds to simply paying for their products each month. We're having a quick Zoom on Monday 8/18 at 7 p.m. mountain time to show how our business works. If you've been curious about adding extra money, new friends, and a FANTASTIC company and team culture to your life, this could be your sign. Please RSVP by replying back for the Zoom link.

Lastly, if you're curious about Arbonne's healthy nutrition products (programs and supplements that help with bloating, hormones, detoxing, digestive issues, inflammation, weight loss, and lots more), clean EU standards skincare, makeup, and hair care, check out my site or hit me up with questions. All products are vegan and gluten free. I'm happy to chat, explore, and share my favorites like this bundle below!

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I love to hear your thoughts! Reply back with your thoughts, questions, or anything else. I'm here to help you find your inner superhero!!

Yours in (self) love,

CaPow 💪💜🌟

P.S. You'd be MY hero if you'd forward this to someone you love!